The soul which is yours...

"Like autumn leaves his sense fell from him; An empty glass of himself shattered somewhere within. His thoughts like a hundred moths trapped in a lampshade somewhere within their wings banging and burning on through endless nights. Forever awake, he lies shaking and starving, praying for someone to turn off the light..."
-Zack de la Rocha

How anyone could learn the history of how the modern Christian bible came into existence and still believe in its divinity is beyond me. I suppose that is the nature of faith; belief in things unseen or un-provable, or perhaps a testament to the myopia of fundamentalist Christians in general. I look at the history of the bible and I don’t see a change in god’s relationship to man, but rather an evolution in Christianity’s ideas about god. Moreover I can see in religious history worldwide how ideas about divinity and metaphysics among many of the world’s cultures have adapted to fit the spirit of the time.
Religion and spirituality provide many services to the human mind. A sense of justice, purpose, and community are what most seem to seek. It can be a structure, a high horse to ride on, or a soft place to land. It can give you traditions to cherish (or loathe). It can give you hard and fast rules to abide by, firming up your moral compass. It can provide rituals, something to do when nothing else seems effective. I understand all of the reasons why religion is practiced, and the things that make it somewhat practical.
I personally believe none of it is based in reality, and I can live a perfectly happy life unfettered by superstitions and archaic commandments. I believe that the supernatural belief systems of the world are almost entirely works of fiction that evolved to explain, structure, and control the world. Frankly I prefer a rational and dynamic approach, one which can easily assimilate new information. I prefer an open morality based on what’s practical in any given situation.
Anyway, I don’t exactly classify myself as an atheist. It seems too final. It says definitively, there is no god. I profess no such position and there very well could be a god or gods, but adversely I can’t prove the negative. I don’t exactly consider myself an agnostic. The position there seems to be that there’s something there, but we don’t know what it is. That just seems too wishy-washy for me.
My default position at this point is this; though I’ve yet to see any evidence that there’s anything out there, I see no reason why there couldn’t be some sort of intelligence at work in the universe, but I’m not convinced.

So, this poem struck me. I like it... It's odd, and painful, but I like it still...

Nothing is plumb, level, or square:
The studs are bowed, the joists
Are shaky by nature, no piece fits
Any other piece without a gap
Or pinch, and bent nails
Dance all over the surfacing
Like maggots. By Christ
I am no carpenter. I built
The roof for myself, the walls
For myself, the floors
For myself, and got
Hung up in it myself. I
Danced with a purple thumb
At this house-warming, drunk
With my prime whiskey: rage.
Oh I spat rage's nails
Into the frame-up of my work:
It held. It settled plumb,
Level, solid, square and true
For that great moment. Then
It screamed and went on through,
Skewing as wrong the other way.

God damned it. This is hell,
But I planned it, I sawed it,
I nailed it, and I
Will live in it until it kills me.
I can nail my left palm
To the left-hand crosspiece but
I can't do everything myself.
I need a hand to nail the right,
A help, a love, a you, a wife.

At nearly 30 years old I’ve grown quite concerned over the path my life is taking. I’ve been thinking a lot about how it is I ended up in the situation I’m in. The forces that have lead me here, seemingly back to the beginning; where I was five years ago.

After spending my early 20’s mostly in search of a good time I was finally getting on track and setting goals when I wrecked my knee. I lost nearly my entire 25th year on the surgery and recovery process. Then I got my heart broke good and well by getting involved with the wrong girl. Then I took some time to watch a girl I loved die… That hurt worse than I could tell you. It took a long time to come back from that. Then the DUI took another year and a shit ton of money. Meeting Johnna, loosing her, and then driving up to Virginia to get her back only to have her cheat on me at my own birthday party. Then I lost my job, just when my lease was ending and I finding out I was going to be a father… ended up moving back home. Only to lose the baby and the girl.

So I’ve taken a couple of months to search for work and lick my wounds. …I’ve finally coming around to considering school again. I filled out a FAFSA to see what the government could do in the way of helping me. Over the next couple of weeks we’ll see if fate leads me to return to school, or the work force or both….

Rest easy kids, I’ll see you in time…

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart
Ive got this thing that I consider my only art
Of fucking people over...

My boss just quit the job
Says hes goin out to find blind spots
and hell do it.

The 3rd planet is sure that they're being watched
by an eye in the sky that cant be stopped.
When you get to the promise land
You're gonna shake that eye's hand.

Your heart felt good
It was dripping with pitch and made of wood.
And your hands and knees
Felt cold and wet on the grass to me.

Outside; naked, shivering, looking blue
From the cold sunlight that's reflected off the moon.
Then baby come, angels fly around you
Reminding you we used to be three and not two.

And thats how the world began...
And thats how the world will end...

A 3rd had just been made
and we were swimming in the water
didnt know then; was it a son? was it a daughter?
When it occurred to me that the animals are swimming
Around in the water
and the oceans in our bodies

And another had been found
Another ocean on the planet
Given that our blood is just like the Atlantic.
And how the universe is shaped exactly like the earth
If you go straight long enough youll end up where you were.

Your heart felt good
It was dipped in pitch and made of wood.
Your hands and knees
Felt cold and wet on the grass to me.

Outside; naked, shivering, looking blue
From the cold sunlight thats reflected off the moon.
And baby come, angels fly around you
Reminding me we used to be three and not just two.

And thats how the world began.
And thats how the world will end...

My mother has been in a great deal of pain from her cracked ribs. Also her sternum is separating. She seemed to be healing quite well from the heart surgery she had in May. She even made it back to work without much trouble. But in the past few weeks she’s had some pretty severe pains in her chest, and they’ve been getting worse.
The doctor’s had been treating her for a cough, since that was the main symptom when all this started, but a CAT scan revealed the trouble with her ribs and sternum. So she’s been home from work the past couple of days, and hasn’t been able to get much information out of her surgeon or Primary doc about anything.
Turns out the surgeon who completed my mother’s procedure is busy with a triple bypass on my great aunt Delores… My Grandmother is seeing to her, and so far she’s doing OK.
So I guess Tuesday I’ll find out which of two not-so-good possibilities my mother faces. One, they’ll order her to stay home from work to heal on her own, which will take four to six weeks, and screw up the household income. Or Two, they’l l go in surgically and use hardware to pull her sternum closed. Which has the same pitfalls as option one with the added discomfort and expense of surgery.
Needless to say she’s kinda worried and upset by the whole thing. It’s not an easy thing to watch your mother go through. We had a good talk today, during which she cried a little, but I think it helped her… by the end of it we were both cracking jokes… I mean, what else are you gonna do?
Rest Easy kids, I’ll see you in time.

I had no idea how badly I needed to get out of the house until I got out of the house.

Thanks to some openings posted with some of the temp services I’ve been watching I hit my job search quota early. So, I found myself sitting in front of the computer in my bedroom with nothing much to do for the rest of the day. I could’ve done some work on my computer to ready it for the Windows 7 upgrade. I could have put on a load of laundry. I could’ve watched a movie or napped. Instead I decided maybe I should hit the road. I had to make some deposits at the bank anyway.

Starting a few weeks back I’d compiled a list of places of particular natural beauty within a day’s drive. Though I’d thrown a couple of bottles of water and a hoodie in my bag before I left I hadn’t fully committed myself to going anywhere particular. Then I saw what a beautiful day it was; cool and sunny. I had the addresses of Providence Canyon down near Columbus, and Amicalola Falls up near Dawsonville… I decided on the falls because they were closer.

The falls were great. All along the path you can hear the sound of rushing water. About three miles of trail darting in and out of the shade from trees that are just barely turning their fall colors. You can drive up the other side of the ridge to the top, or you can climb the stairs along the path. It’s 175 stairs from the stream bed to the base of the falls and 425 stairs from the base to the top. It’ll get your heart pumping. I think the exercise forced blood into portions of my brain it hadn’t been in a while. It felt good. At the top I laid down on the grass and listened to music for a while staring up at the blue sky and munching on a power bar.

On the way home I took full advantage of the winding roads. I put the windows and the moon roof down and drove at a fairly reckless pace with the volume way up. Breaking a sweat, breaking my routine, and and breaking the law (at least a little) did me good.

…and all it cost me was about $12 in gas.

Smoking is insidious.
Once you manage to get addicted it’s like being thirsty, but not. The chemicals it comes to control in your brain aggravate the anxiety response. It is the same internal mechanism that would kick in if you were starving to death, or dying of thirst. But you’re not, you just want a cigarette…

Then of course there are the social aspects, and the way smoking comes to integrate itself into your daily routine. The way it becomes what you do when you’re bored and/or nervous. It makes it a functional aid that can calm your nerves or take your mind off something, but of course it’s bad for one’s health. Very bad for one’s health. And expensive…


So I got to quit… and I have a plan to taper off. Cold turkey is too much of a shock to the system, for me at least. My quit date is December 1st. I won’t fail.

It's nights like this that I'm pissed I sold my guitar... what pisses me off most is that I sold my guitar for her.

I'd love to be able to pick out a song about now. I'd love to be able to practice a little.

It's a Raymond Chandler Evening
At the end of someone's day
And I'm standing in my pocket
And I'm slowly turning grey

I remember what I told you
But I can't remember why
And the yellow leaves are falling
In a spiral from the sky

There's a body on the railings
That I can't identify
And I'd like to reassure you
But I'm not that kind of guy

It's a Raymond Chandler Evening
And the pavements are all wet
And I'm standing in the shadows
Beause it hasn't happened yet...

-Robyn Hitchcock

Can I just say, that other than my job and living situation life is pretty effing rad right now. Good friends, good music, and good times. ...and to tell you the truth, though I'd I'm dying to get back to work, and dreaming of life in the city; I'm making it through ok on the unemployment, and there are worse places to be stuck than Fayetteville.

...and to top it all off, my favorite time of year is just around the corner.

Like ocean waves and autumn leaves
There is a rise and a fall
In tides and winds that ebb and flow
Rhythmic and circadian
Perceived but imaginary
In the memory of touch
Furtively clutching at sensations
Lost in the brevity of feeling
But somewhere in the moment
I clearly recall the fierce gentleness
A graceful surrender
Leaving me unsure how
Or exactly when
One wordless breath
Swept away old fears and empty sins
And brought to mind
Forgotten recollections
Of perceived and trusted perfection
And the simple magic
Of clear eyes
Porcelain skin
And unconditional affections
I remembered that I am unbroken
And unbreakable

Have you ever tried to turn back time distinguished in its place?
Out of place and out of time it can seem like such a waste.
The belief that I could fix the past was very hard to take.
Soon I placed the memories in a bag to wait.
I let them cure like fine red wine and settle in their place.
Let my words to him spill out and vanish on that page.

Whatever were you thinking?
Whatever did you know?
Whatever were you wondering when you hit the road?
Whatever were you seeking?
Whatever did you find?
Whatever were you wondering when you told that lie?

Thinking back I walk the floor of this old house with many lives
And consider what was wrote before; a carpenter's advice.
In all the raging rivers with undertow beneath
All of that night’s lightning, left trees with broken wings.
I stand inside the western winds that gently push me east.
That common sense and doctrine are a nice soft place to sleep.

Whatever were you thinking?
Whatever did you know?
Whatever were you wondering when you let me go?
Whatever were you seeking?
Whatever did you find?
Whatever were you hoping for, when you told that lie?

That night we sat with wonder together in the street,
With light shown down from lamps above inside the summer’s heat.
And now again at summer’s end I playfully rehearse.
The art of wooing girls from here, and hiding when they turn.
But what to do with all my questions of who and what and why
Trying to relax accepting the comforts my friends supplied.

Whatever were you thinking?
Whatever did you know?
Whatever were you looking for down that crooked road?
Whatever were you seeking?
Whatever did you find?
Whatever were you thinking when you walked into my life?

Whatever…

The awesomeness of this song lies in it's complete obsurdity. ...aparently these guys are huge in europe. Anyway it makes me laugh.

The other night I finally cleared out all the old texts from the ex. I finally deleted her phone number out of my phone, and her brother’s number, and her mother’s number… I don’t know why exactly I didn’t do it sooner, considering the way things went. Still, it was an odd feeling. I guess that’s the way it is when you know you’ve closed a chapter in your life. But I realized that I can think about it now, without feeling angry. I can remember the good times and smile, at least a little. I guess I was finally ready to let it go. The odd feeling came from wondering what the future holds…
Time marches on, and it can easily begin to feel like it’s slipping out from under you. I continue to apply for jobs and wait for the right opportunity to present itself. All I can do is throw my name into as many hats as I can find, and keep my ear to the ground.

I believe that as you go out into the world you can’t be afraid to put your neck on the chopping block. You have to trust your own strength and your own intuition as you decide who to place your trust in, who you get close to, and as you go about your work. You have to risk getting let down. 

Every once in a while for whatever reason things are not going to play out the way you may have planned. Eventually, someone or something will somehow get the better of you. Even the toughest and hardest, or the most enlightened of us can’t help but feeling some hurt or some anger when life takes those turns. But that’s the way things go, and you can’t hold on to that shit. I think it’s best to try and learn something from it, take the good with the bad, and try to be the best person you can be as you move through the world. If you place value and worth in yourself, then one should find the wisdom not to let people, situations, or possessions bare too greatly on that.   I have no intention of letting life make me bitter, or too cynical.

But also, I believe you shouldn’t tolerate people who are careless with your emotions. It’s a fruitless exorcise to deal with people who demonstrate no respect for you or themselves, and show no desire to change. There’s a quote I remember though I don’t remember who said it; “We abandon people to the mercy of god, and show none ourselves.” Well, that’s right, I think. Too often people will write people off with careless disregard, but sometimes you just have to leave people to their fate. It doesn’t mean you don’t forgive, it doesn’t mean you don’t care, but as much as you put your put your heart on the line, you have to protect it too.

Rest easy kids, I’ll see you in time.

A brief but significant part of my life has come to an end.  I broke up with my girlfriend last Thursday.  Normally a relationship that essentially lasted a total of seven months would not be a huge event in most people’s lives.  However, we learned at the end of April that we were to have a child together.  In an event I still consider tragic, she lost the child a month ago.  I learned since then that after she lost the baby she had begun to see another man behind my back and that she was consistently lying to me. The entire relationship definitely had its beautiful moments, but it was also torn with strife, stress, lies, half-truths, sins of omission, and blatant and flagrant disrespect towards me on her part.  All of which I overlooked, because I cared about her, in fact I loved her.  I certainly won’t say I did everything right, but I will say that throughout the relationship I tried my best to treat her with love and respect and understanding. 

I am thankful for the friends who put up with me during the past few months as I became a little more distant and distracted.  I also thank those of you who gave me honest and heartfelt advice.  Some advice I listened to, some advice I did not.  Thanks to everyone who lent me their ear and their support (even when they thought I was making a mistake); it really helped me to get through this.

Rest easy kids, I’ll see you in time. 

The cup we’re offered
Touched our lips empty
We lost this small dream
At the speed of things we’ll never forget
It’s hidden in this place
A pain impossible to regret
Hollow blessings
Turned desires useless
Still held tightly but slipping
Into a time that turned to yesterday

The pain and the blood
Were insult to injury
As I rushed to her side
Caught up in sunset
Through the drivers side window
In the emptiness of aftermath

The cup I offered
To catch hard fought tears
Full to overflowing
Silent and separate
Held back and let go
She took my hand
I kissed her lips
And began to believe
For better or worse
In other futures

Hope overtaken by fear
One more time
Not the last
Caught up in sunrise
Through a hospital window
In the emptiness of aftermath