The soul which is yours...

The only way I can rationalize the memory of the feeling of the knowing certainty that she was going to die, were the definite signs of trouble. You tell yourself you should have hope, that you shouldn’t give up, but I knew she was going to die. Even before we got the results back, I knew.

I clearly remember how upset she was when the money she had saved for her doctor’s visit had come up missing earlier the year before. We had all been out at the local bar drinking, I excused myself when the bar closed to go home and sleep. Nicole and some of my other friends decided to continue the evening at David’s place. That’s where she noticed the $600 some-odd dollars she’d had in her purse was gone.

I’m inclined to believe that the money was either lost or stolen at the bar by a criminal of opportunity. I find it unlikely that any of our friends would have taken anything from Nicole. However, with alcohol being involved and accusations being leveled the whole affair got quite heated. I heard a lot about it from all sides in the days following; a shouting match that almost turned into a fight and ended with some hurt feelings and a dash of righteous indignation.

It really doesn’t matter now who did what to whom, except to say that we really never found out what happened to the money, and eventually general peace and trust were restored. But when Nicole called me the day after to tell me about what happened, she also let me know that the doctor’s visit was a follow up cancer screening. It suddenly struck me then that I’d forgotten about her surgery a few years ago and the scar on her back. We hadn’t been seeing too much of each other in those days, but I had heard about how she’d had a swatch of skin removed when doctors had found a malignant melanoma there; the product of her fair skin and the tanning beds she’d frequented in her late teens. I had thought that all of that was behind her. I hadn’t realized how prone skin cancer was to turning back up down the road. If Nicole had insurance I’m sure she would have been seeing the doctor every few months, but working freelance like she did she just did the best she could to get in a screening once a year or so. I never did find out for sure if she made that visit or not.

After that I did a little research about her type of cancer. It stuck in my mind and I worried about it from time to time. Then one night a few months later we had stopped at a diner after being at a concert. Nicole disappeared into the bathroom for a long while. It was long enough for me to take note of. When she came out all the color had drained from her face and she was sweating slightly. She apologized profusely, she told me she had been sick, and asked me to go in to the ladies room and clean up the sink… she said she knew it was odd, and she hated to ask, but she said please, she said she needed me to do this for her. When I slipped inside the single occupancy bathroom I saw why she’d wanted me to take care of it instead of leaving it to one of the bellow-minimum-wage waitresses to clean. She had thrown up blood. I did my best with toilet tissue and hot water to clean the sink, I washed my hands, we quietly left, and I took her home. When we pulled up to her house she cried, and I held her. I asked her several times if she was sure she was ok. I insisted she see a doctor. She swore she would be fine, and that she’d get by a clinic the next day. She was sure she’d just been drinking too much and needed to slow down. That’s pretty much how we left it and she did slow it down for a while, and I asked her more than once how she was feeling, but we never really talked about it again. Things went on as normal after that for a while. I’d come up to the city to see her every once in a while. She’d throw a party, or we’d go to a concert, or just bum around the local bars. Ignoring the signs, but having a blast. Not slowing down

And that’s how it was until just after New Year’s. She called me complaining of a hangover worse than any she’d had before. The oddest thing she’d noticed some lumps on her rib cage. Her friend had insisted she see a doctor, and I insisted she follow her friend’s advice. So she went to a clinic. Of course once they got her medical history the focus went straight to the cancer. So she spent some time being poked and prodded. There were scans, blood work, and a biopsy on the lumps. She pretty much got the whole nine yards.
Then a couple of days later she got the results. It was evening, cold wet and windy in February. She was crying when she called. I had just gotten out of my physical exam for my new job and I was sitting on the phone with her for two hours in the empty parking lot of the doctor’s office, in the orange light of the arc-sodium lamps. The news was bad. Stage four multiple metastatic melanoma. It was in her liver, her brain, lungs, and her stomach. She swore she’d fight, take the treatments, but we both knew… I think we did. I promised to do anything if she needed help.

Nicole and I had been friends for years. We’d been through a lot together. We understood each other. And we accepted each other. When I hung up with her I was exhausted, I was afraid, but what I felt most was how much I loved my friend, so I said so. She said it too. Now, you can say the words and mean it, but that night I said the words and felt it…

It was beautiful.

"What a fool I was, what dominated fool, to think that you were the Earth and sky..."


"Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! ...I've grown accustomed to her face. She almost makes the day begin."

"...A Melody softly soaring through my atmosphere"

"And then, something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom..."

It’s been an interesting year, but I find myself more than ready for it to end.

I’ve been through a lot this year, and it’s been hard on me. If things had worked out differently I’d be a few days away from being a father. For the most part I’m extremely grateful that didn’t happen. It would have been hell. This time last year I was being blindsided by my that same woman… She up and ran away to Virginia with another man. I never should have gone to get her back. I suppose I’m a wiser man now for all the trouble I went through over her. And had it not happened, I might have missed out on some of the events and people that followed. For as much as this has not been the best year, the last few months have been kinder to me. I’m really grateful for the people who are a part of my life right now. For as cheesey as it sounds, they’ve shown me love and kindness, and have reminded me of who I am, and who I’m trying to be.

With any luck I’ll find employment in short order in the new year. I feel an increasing pressure to get on with things in my life. I certainly hope that whatever forces shape my fate are agreeable with my goals… If they’re not, I’m in for quite a fight.

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why'd ya sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why'd you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
And why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

And why'd you fill my sorrows
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place that you've known
Why'd you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why'd you sing with me at all?

…And then there’s the book The Road by Cormac McCarthy. At one point in the story the father admonishes his son, saying; “Don’t look… some things get in your head, and they don’t ever come out again.” I read that book about a year ago, and all this time that line has stuck with me.

…and the proof of this is how two events of the past have been making there way into my dreams.

I’ll never forget that phone call on that February night when Nicole called me to tell me that her cancer was back. Or a few months later, holding her hand while the monitors flattened out, and she passed on. How the respirator kept running and I had to explain to her mother that the machine was still breathing, but she was gone… These days I remember Nicole more fondly. But I think about her everyday still… She’ll always be rattling around in there somewhere.
And there’s the day after Johnna and I lost the baby. I will always remember being in the hospital with her when we had to take her to emergency surgery to stop the bleeding. Sleeping alone in the room with her and watching the dawn rise through that hospital window. I’d never intended things to go that far, or so serious with her. Up until the baby it had all just been fun and games. But to see her there, the former mother of my child, weak and sore… and she’d been so brave though I know she was scared… It was in that moment that I really loved her.

I knew even then in the back of my mind; she wouldn't stay with me much longer. I knew it was over. It wasn’t meant to be. I just never figured she’d betray me the way she did. But such is life… and despite everything, there’s a part of me that will remember her as she was on that morning in the hospital. These things stick in your head, and they don’t really ever come out again.

But you move on, you forget a little, you find the things that make you happy, and you invent a new version of the future to hope for. You lose your fear. That’s what I did at least… I’m getting rather good at it. Though clearly they’re still in there; running through my sub-conscience.

It took some time to get my mind right, and I’m still working at it, and I don’t know what happens next, but I know what I want… at least I think I do.

Rest easy kids,
I’ll see you in time.

Manchester Orchestra - The River (Official Music Video) - For more funny videos, click here

I could feel a hot one taking me down
For a moment, I could feel the force
Fainted to the point of tears
And you were holding on to make a point
What's the point?

I'm but a clean man, stable and alone man
Make it so I won't have to try
The faces always stay the same
So I face the fact that I'm just fine
I said that I'm just fine

I remember, head down,
After you had found out
Manna is a hell of a drug
And I need a little more, I think
Because enough is never quite enough
What's enough?

I took it like a grown man crying on the pavement
Hoping you would show your face
But I haven't heard a thing you've said
In at least a couple hundred days
What'd you say?

I was in the front seat, shaking it out
And I was asking if you felt alright
I never want to hear the truth
I want to hear your voice, it sounded fine
My voice, it sounded fine

I could feel my heartbeat taking me down
And for the moment, I would sleep alright
I'm dealing with a selfish fear
To keep me up another restless night
Another restless night

The blood was dry, it was sober
The feeling of audible cracks
And I could tell it was over
From the curtains that hung from your neck

And I realized that then you were perfect
And my teeth ripping out of my head
And it looked like a painting I once knew
Back when my thoughts weren't entirely intact

To pray to what I thought were angels
Ended up being ambulances
And the Lord showed me dreams of my daughter
She was crying inside your stomach

And I felt love again...

This is the story of the boys who loved you
Who love you now and loved you then
And some were sweet, some were cold and snubbed you
And some just laid around in bed.
Some had crumbled you straight to your knees
Did it cruel, did it tenderly
Some had crawled their way into your heart
To rend your ventricles apart
This is the story of the boys who loved you...

"Like autumn leaves his sense fell from him; An empty glass of himself shattered somewhere within. His thoughts like a hundred moths trapped in a lampshade somewhere within their wings banging and burning on through endless nights. Forever awake, he lies shaking and starving, praying for someone to turn off the light..."
-Zack de la Rocha

How anyone could learn the history of how the modern Christian bible came into existence and still believe in its divinity is beyond me. I suppose that is the nature of faith; belief in things unseen or un-provable, or perhaps a testament to the myopia of fundamentalist Christians in general. I look at the history of the bible and I don’t see a change in god’s relationship to man, but rather an evolution in Christianity’s ideas about god. Moreover I can see in religious history worldwide how ideas about divinity and metaphysics among many of the world’s cultures have adapted to fit the spirit of the time.
Religion and spirituality provide many services to the human mind. A sense of justice, purpose, and community are what most seem to seek. It can be a structure, a high horse to ride on, or a soft place to land. It can give you traditions to cherish (or loathe). It can give you hard and fast rules to abide by, firming up your moral compass. It can provide rituals, something to do when nothing else seems effective. I understand all of the reasons why religion is practiced, and the things that make it somewhat practical.
I personally believe none of it is based in reality, and I can live a perfectly happy life unfettered by superstitions and archaic commandments. I believe that the supernatural belief systems of the world are almost entirely works of fiction that evolved to explain, structure, and control the world. Frankly I prefer a rational and dynamic approach, one which can easily assimilate new information. I prefer an open morality based on what’s practical in any given situation.
Anyway, I don’t exactly classify myself as an atheist. It seems too final. It says definitively, there is no god. I profess no such position and there very well could be a god or gods, but adversely I can’t prove the negative. I don’t exactly consider myself an agnostic. The position there seems to be that there’s something there, but we don’t know what it is. That just seems too wishy-washy for me.
My default position at this point is this; though I’ve yet to see any evidence that there’s anything out there, I see no reason why there couldn’t be some sort of intelligence at work in the universe, but I’m not convinced.

So, this poem struck me. I like it... It's odd, and painful, but I like it still...

Nothing is plumb, level, or square:
The studs are bowed, the joists
Are shaky by nature, no piece fits
Any other piece without a gap
Or pinch, and bent nails
Dance all over the surfacing
Like maggots. By Christ
I am no carpenter. I built
The roof for myself, the walls
For myself, the floors
For myself, and got
Hung up in it myself. I
Danced with a purple thumb
At this house-warming, drunk
With my prime whiskey: rage.
Oh I spat rage's nails
Into the frame-up of my work:
It held. It settled plumb,
Level, solid, square and true
For that great moment. Then
It screamed and went on through,
Skewing as wrong the other way.

God damned it. This is hell,
But I planned it, I sawed it,
I nailed it, and I
Will live in it until it kills me.
I can nail my left palm
To the left-hand crosspiece but
I can't do everything myself.
I need a hand to nail the right,
A help, a love, a you, a wife.

At nearly 30 years old I’ve grown quite concerned over the path my life is taking. I’ve been thinking a lot about how it is I ended up in the situation I’m in. The forces that have lead me here, seemingly back to the beginning; where I was five years ago.

After spending my early 20’s mostly in search of a good time I was finally getting on track and setting goals when I wrecked my knee. I lost nearly my entire 25th year on the surgery and recovery process. Then I got my heart broke good and well by getting involved with the wrong girl. Then I took some time to watch a girl I loved die… That hurt worse than I could tell you. It took a long time to come back from that. Then the DUI took another year and a shit ton of money. Meeting Johnna, loosing her, and then driving up to Virginia to get her back only to have her cheat on me at my own birthday party. Then I lost my job, just when my lease was ending and I finding out I was going to be a father… ended up moving back home. Only to lose the baby and the girl.

So I’ve taken a couple of months to search for work and lick my wounds. …I’ve finally coming around to considering school again. I filled out a FAFSA to see what the government could do in the way of helping me. Over the next couple of weeks we’ll see if fate leads me to return to school, or the work force or both….

Rest easy kids, I’ll see you in time…

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart
Ive got this thing that I consider my only art
Of fucking people over...

My boss just quit the job
Says hes goin out to find blind spots
and hell do it.

The 3rd planet is sure that they're being watched
by an eye in the sky that cant be stopped.
When you get to the promise land
You're gonna shake that eye's hand.

Your heart felt good
It was dripping with pitch and made of wood.
And your hands and knees
Felt cold and wet on the grass to me.

Outside; naked, shivering, looking blue
From the cold sunlight that's reflected off the moon.
Then baby come, angels fly around you
Reminding you we used to be three and not two.

And thats how the world began...
And thats how the world will end...

A 3rd had just been made
and we were swimming in the water
didnt know then; was it a son? was it a daughter?
When it occurred to me that the animals are swimming
Around in the water
and the oceans in our bodies

And another had been found
Another ocean on the planet
Given that our blood is just like the Atlantic.
And how the universe is shaped exactly like the earth
If you go straight long enough youll end up where you were.

Your heart felt good
It was dipped in pitch and made of wood.
Your hands and knees
Felt cold and wet on the grass to me.

Outside; naked, shivering, looking blue
From the cold sunlight thats reflected off the moon.
And baby come, angels fly around you
Reminding me we used to be three and not just two.

And thats how the world began.
And thats how the world will end...

My mother has been in a great deal of pain from her cracked ribs. Also her sternum is separating. She seemed to be healing quite well from the heart surgery she had in May. She even made it back to work without much trouble. But in the past few weeks she’s had some pretty severe pains in her chest, and they’ve been getting worse.
The doctor’s had been treating her for a cough, since that was the main symptom when all this started, but a CAT scan revealed the trouble with her ribs and sternum. So she’s been home from work the past couple of days, and hasn’t been able to get much information out of her surgeon or Primary doc about anything.
Turns out the surgeon who completed my mother’s procedure is busy with a triple bypass on my great aunt Delores… My Grandmother is seeing to her, and so far she’s doing OK.
So I guess Tuesday I’ll find out which of two not-so-good possibilities my mother faces. One, they’ll order her to stay home from work to heal on her own, which will take four to six weeks, and screw up the household income. Or Two, they’l l go in surgically and use hardware to pull her sternum closed. Which has the same pitfalls as option one with the added discomfort and expense of surgery.
Needless to say she’s kinda worried and upset by the whole thing. It’s not an easy thing to watch your mother go through. We had a good talk today, during which she cried a little, but I think it helped her… by the end of it we were both cracking jokes… I mean, what else are you gonna do?
Rest Easy kids, I’ll see you in time.

I had no idea how badly I needed to get out of the house until I got out of the house.

Thanks to some openings posted with some of the temp services I’ve been watching I hit my job search quota early. So, I found myself sitting in front of the computer in my bedroom with nothing much to do for the rest of the day. I could’ve done some work on my computer to ready it for the Windows 7 upgrade. I could have put on a load of laundry. I could’ve watched a movie or napped. Instead I decided maybe I should hit the road. I had to make some deposits at the bank anyway.

Starting a few weeks back I’d compiled a list of places of particular natural beauty within a day’s drive. Though I’d thrown a couple of bottles of water and a hoodie in my bag before I left I hadn’t fully committed myself to going anywhere particular. Then I saw what a beautiful day it was; cool and sunny. I had the addresses of Providence Canyon down near Columbus, and Amicalola Falls up near Dawsonville… I decided on the falls because they were closer.

The falls were great. All along the path you can hear the sound of rushing water. About three miles of trail darting in and out of the shade from trees that are just barely turning their fall colors. You can drive up the other side of the ridge to the top, or you can climb the stairs along the path. It’s 175 stairs from the stream bed to the base of the falls and 425 stairs from the base to the top. It’ll get your heart pumping. I think the exercise forced blood into portions of my brain it hadn’t been in a while. It felt good. At the top I laid down on the grass and listened to music for a while staring up at the blue sky and munching on a power bar.

On the way home I took full advantage of the winding roads. I put the windows and the moon roof down and drove at a fairly reckless pace with the volume way up. Breaking a sweat, breaking my routine, and and breaking the law (at least a little) did me good.

…and all it cost me was about $12 in gas.

Smoking is insidious.
Once you manage to get addicted it’s like being thirsty, but not. The chemicals it comes to control in your brain aggravate the anxiety response. It is the same internal mechanism that would kick in if you were starving to death, or dying of thirst. But you’re not, you just want a cigarette…

Then of course there are the social aspects, and the way smoking comes to integrate itself into your daily routine. The way it becomes what you do when you’re bored and/or nervous. It makes it a functional aid that can calm your nerves or take your mind off something, but of course it’s bad for one’s health. Very bad for one’s health. And expensive…


So I got to quit… and I have a plan to taper off. Cold turkey is too much of a shock to the system, for me at least. My quit date is December 1st. I won’t fail.

It's nights like this that I'm pissed I sold my guitar... what pisses me off most is that I sold my guitar for her.

I'd love to be able to pick out a song about now. I'd love to be able to practice a little.

It's a Raymond Chandler Evening
At the end of someone's day
And I'm standing in my pocket
And I'm slowly turning grey

I remember what I told you
But I can't remember why
And the yellow leaves are falling
In a spiral from the sky

There's a body on the railings
That I can't identify
And I'd like to reassure you
But I'm not that kind of guy

It's a Raymond Chandler Evening
And the pavements are all wet
And I'm standing in the shadows
Beause it hasn't happened yet...

-Robyn Hitchcock

Can I just say, that other than my job and living situation life is pretty effing rad right now. Good friends, good music, and good times. ...and to tell you the truth, though I'd I'm dying to get back to work, and dreaming of life in the city; I'm making it through ok on the unemployment, and there are worse places to be stuck than Fayetteville.

...and to top it all off, my favorite time of year is just around the corner.